There's an Avett Lyric for That

"I'd like to say it hurts me, but it don't.
And I don't know just what to do, but I do.
See, it don't hurt when you're just killing time.
I was killing time, and I think that you knew."

- "Pretty Girl from Raleigh"

A Sort of Poem about Breathing and Bad Dreams

Tonight on the train,
I stood next to a man who smelled like a nightmare I had when I was a kid.
I didn't even remember having it until he stood next to me
And suddenly felt waves of fear crashing over me.
I could have moved, but I stood in my spot, tentatively breathing in the memories.
I didn't gulp air, but as his acrid essence entered my nose,
I felt lighter and lighter.
As if the past was fading away with the oxygen as it turned into carbon dioxide and left my body.
I can't remember what the nightmare was about.

There's an Avett lyric for that

"They say you've got to lose a couple fights to win."

- "Slight Figure of Speech"

Write about someone you are or were in love with

From June 2010

Why can’t you be what I want you to be all the time?  Not just 4 days a week, but 7 days a week?  Why can’t you show me the love that I know you have to feel for me because I have given it to you?

You are tall, you are slim, you are southern and you are in my eyes the most gorgeous man alive.  When you are high or drunk, you are absent.  You are not funny.  You are not kind.  But I know that’s not you. 

When we used to hold hands, you would rub the webbing between my thumb and my index fingers.  Tiny, incalculable movements to show me you were there. When did you start to disappear? 

When we used to sit together, on the sofa – the dirty, uncomfortable sofa, but the only one I could find when I moved to New York that would fit in my tiny apartment on the Upper  East Side – when we would sit there, sometimes you would lean forward, pause the TV and look at me.  I knew what was coming.  You were about to tell me how much you love me.  In a tone of voice that let me know that it shocked you almost as much as it shocked me.  I never think my reaction was adequate.  I think I usually said thank you, cocked my head to the side and said something like “Oh babe.  I love you too.”  That’s not enough.  I should have known exactly what to say to speak to your heart the way you spoke to mine. 

And then that all stopped.  I got angry and confused – which came first, the confoundment or the pain?  The drifting or the despair?

Will you ever stop invading me?  Will your grip on me ever cease?  Will I ever see you for what others, including you, see you as – and tell me to see you as?  An addict, a failure, a low-class piece of trash?  I could never convince them (or you) to see you what I see you as – a brilliant, sensitive, kind, flawed, complicated, incredible person.  But maybe – definitely – in the middle, the truth lies. 

I miss the good times.  I miss the laughs.  I miss the fun we used to have when we would get so drunk together, before I knew that it was poison for you and medicine for me.  I love getting drunk with you.  I miss it. 

You’ll move on, won’t you?  Will I?  My therapist, he asks me if I can conceive of dating again.  I tell him, I assume that it’s a possibility.  I say “I know there’s probably someone out there that I could date at some point, but I don’t know who he is, I don’t know what he looks like, I don’t know where I’ll meet him, I don’t know what…I don’t know anything other than maybe he’s out there.”  I don’t even know if I’ll ever open my heart to another.

This is supposed to be about you.  But isn’t me about you?  Were we co-dependent?  Or were we as deeply in love and enmeshed in each other as I thought we were?  You seem so pleased with your life now – it’s you, your roommates, your 40s, your pot, your self-examination, your porn, your whatever.  I have the dog, I have the big apartment, I have the giant tv, but where am I in your life, and where are you in mine?

I’m filling up my time with things like tonight.  When will my life stop being filler and start being life.  When will I let you go? 

I hate that.  I hate that I’m talking about me when I’m supposed to be talking about you.  This is about you, isn’t it?  It always is.  Tonight is no different. 

There's an Avett lyric for that

"Be done with the pain and get on with the love."

- "February 20, 2000"

I'm going to be different! Just like everybody else.

Probably about 15878 people will start new blogs in New York City alone tomorrow, January 1, 2012. I am beating the rush. I have been talking about doing this forever to everybody that didn't ask, and here it is. Let's jump right in, shall we?

2010 was a tough year. (Um, Heidi, it's the end of 2011...shut up, I'm getting there) As I was saying, 2010 was a really tough year. I went through some seriously emotional shit. As a result, the lessons learned from those experiences didn't really make themselves known for quite some time. Some of the lessons are still being learned, for some, school hasn't even started yet. But this year, I made some important realizations about these experiences and about a billion other things. Here's a list of less than a billion that I'm writing down for my memory and for your entertainment. It includes things that I have known for a long time and just realized to be true, things that I learned in weird, unexpected ways, things that I am still learning, some things that I am just only gleaning little bits of so far, and stuff that I haven't learned to be true but I just know it must. (Note, I'm writing this in both second and first person. I'm not talking to "you," I'm talking to me. But if someone reading this finds some of these lessons to be true, or to be totally bogus, let me hear from you. I don't know how comments works, but I'm sure you can figure it out. You're smart people.)

(oh, also, these are in no particular order.)

1. Brown liquor is actually really awesome. I thought all whiskey tasted like Jack Daniel's. It turns out some of it tastes like angel tears.

2. There is very little that can't be made better by listening to "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, just about anything by Langhorne Slim or "White Knuckles" by OK Go.

3. A good goal is doing everything in my power to preserve the dignity of other humans and my own. I'm still working this one over in my head, but I'm yet to find a hole in the logic of this: if you treat yourself and others with respect, your life is probably going to be pretty good.

4. Being friendly with your co-workers makes work suck a lot less. But you still have to use your inside voice when talking to them.

5. Tell your friends what they mean to you, and thank them when you can. Don't worry about not getting them presents. Just be present when you're with them, because that's all that people really want.

6. You present yourself better to the world when you brush your hair and put on some makeup, even if it's just to go to work or the grocery store. It doesn't make you shallow.

7. It's ok to not put on makeup or brush your hair when you go to the grocery store. But at least don't wear pajama pants.

8. The best album of the year was Mondo Amore by Nicole Atkins, the best new TV show was "Game of Thrones," the best movie (that I saw) was "The Fighter" and the best live show that I went to was Bon Iver.

9. Eli isn't coming back. It's ok.

10. Traveling to general admission Avett Brother shows is no longer worth the hassle or the money. It's ok.

11. You feel better when you write regularly, work out, eat well and get enough sleep. Strive to hit at least 3 out of 4 of these every day.

12. Pork Chop will die someday. It will be devastating, but you can get another dog when he does.

13. Doing stuff alone is actually pretty awesome sometimes. Don't be afraid to do it.

14. Your dad isn't a monster. He could have done better, but he could have done worse. In all, the past is done, and if the worst he does now is tell you that you're too loud, well...you are sometimes. Be nice to him.

15. Sometimes friendships end, and it's for the best. Sometimes you think a friendship is at the end, but you realize you're not quite done with it yet.

16. You have to get out of the house more. Don't flake on plans, even if it's just plans for yourself. You are so lucky to live where you live, take advantage of it.

17. There will never be another character on TV like Tim Riggins.

18. Guys are generally pretty happy when they get to see you naked. Be healthy, but stop apologizing for your body. You are the most beautiful you there is.

19. You don't have everything you want. It doesn't mean you should stop wanting it. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be happy with everything you have.

20. Friends are important. I can't believe how long I had forgotten about this.